Making Your Son the Man Of the House
Making your son the man of the house is a common occurrence I’ve seen in a lot of single mother households. And it seems to be a natural progression for boys in this situation. Now this is a interesting topic to say the least. Because when coaching single mothers with this outlook concerning their sons they seem to not be aware that they are doing this.
Here is something interesting…
I find that in most cases by the time the son is 12 years old is when making him the man of house becomes apparent. Even going so far as to tell your 12 year old son that he is the man of the house now. Coupled with his father not being in his life nor available the boy doesn’t really know what this means. So he attempts to act much older than he is by mimicking something he saw on T.V. or a friend’s father or other older young men around the neighborhood.
More over your son will start thinking about things a child shouldn’t have to be concerned about. For instance he’ll think about how he can protect the family and how he will make money to help out. Not only will he think about those things but also who’s this dude coming over here to see my Mom.
Now I’m all for teaching our sons survival skills and things that will help him as an adult. For example how to fry eggs, wash his clothes, wash dishes and economics. However when we put them in grown up shoes and they see these shoes are really BIG they began to resent you for putting them in this position. In like manner he will began to lash out at you. Because truly in his mind he’s thinking I’m just a boy and I want to go play with my friends. Moreover as your son gets older he may become very disrespectful towards you. Because he is not understanding why he was put in that position.
Comparatively unless young men have grown up in a culture where they practice taking boys through a ‘rites of passage’ his growth and development will be impeded. Because his growth was superficially accelerated, therefor not allowed to take the natural progression of growth through time. And just to mention the case of taking boys through the ‘rites of passage’, its always conducted and lead by adult men. More importantly the boys start their instructions at the age of 14.
Consider that first of all your son can’t get a job, you still have to sign off on his school papers and he still needs to ask permission to go certain places. Furthermore you are still buying his clothes. Yet you’re telling him he is the man of the house. Not only is this confusing for him it is very frustrating for you. Because he can not live up to those expectations no matter how hard he may attempt it.
Truth be told for the most part most single moms are projecting their longing to have a man in the home on to their sons. In addition to the feelings of loneliness and the desire for a man, most single moms are unaware of the pressure they’re putting on their son. And not to mention whom just barely started middle school.
Okay so you may be asking yourself how do I know when I’m doing this to my son? I’m glad you asked…if:
- You are telling him to stop crying.
- He is not allowed to show any emotions.
- You are expecting him to act a certain way.
- Are you saying things like” be a man.”
You see this is impactful for him, because sons and mothers have a special bond like no other. By the same token their natural instinct is to protect you, see you happy, and not hurt. After all we are the first woman they have ever loved. So while they will do whatever they can to take on the burdens that the man of the house would do, emotionally this is too much.
I will ask my single mothers to consider guiding them to be self sufficient independent thinkers, a respectful child and cooperative teenager. Similarly it can be simple things as mentioned in the previous paragraphs. For instance washing his own clothes, being organized, and talking with him about what girls like. Yep, and it doesn’t have to be a long conversation. As a matter of fact you can say certain things in short sentences while being goofy at the same time, he’ll get it. Direct his mind towards being a productive person..
like learning a trade
working with his hands
being successful in life the older they get
And if you pay attention to their growth stages you can then add on lessons and information. In the same fashion compliment him on the things he do whether its done to your satisfaction or not.
As a single mother you do not have to be masculine to raise your son. However I will say be a little rough with him in your disciplining. What do I mean by that? For instance he is 4 yrs old and said something out of line to his sister, instead of spanking him you could grab his shirt in a bunch and look him right in the eyes with a stern face and tell him not to ever do that again. And then demand he go apologize.
(sidebar) Always discipline your children with sternness looking them directly in their eyes, and make sure they look at you. Should you do this while they are young and do it properly, when they’re older it shouldn’t take much to discipline and they will respect you. You are the Parent, the only Parent in the house, that’s it.
At the same time allow your son to be a boy. That is to say he should only be thinking about going outside to play basketball with his friends. And depend on how old he is let him hangout at the barber shop and listen to men talk. Granted he will absorb the male energy from just being there.
Contrary to popular opinion allow him to fight, this is natural for boys no matter what society attempts to tell us. You want him to grow up strong, fearless, and masculine, right? At the same time you want him to have some what of an inner-standing of the female. Why, because men who have studied women and was allowed to grow into there manhood make good partners and husbands. Another avenue I’ve seen work and work very well is listening to right minded, knowledgeable and spiritual men on Youtube. Its like having a man friend in you living room talking to your son on a variety of subjects. You can screen the video first. So long as its something you feel is appropriate for him to hear and think about. As an illustration this can be a good way for your son to see what a man sounds like, acts like and thinks like. Never the less if its something that may be embarrassing for him, let him watch it alone.
Do your best to remain aware of your needs and desires, so that you don’t project that on your son. He needs to see what a woman sounds like, feels like, and thinks like. This in turn helps him to discern how a man is to carry himself. He will learn how to treat a young lady and as he becomes a man he will know how to treat a woman.
In conclusion give your son more hugs, than the scoldings. In reality they are just as emotional as girls only in a different way. To that end do your best to bring the male energy in your home or get him around older boys to help in his development. As a result of allowing your son to grow into his manhood naturally, he will without force or pressure be the man of the house.
For further assistance in parenting skills and communication ask me about my “Stress Free Parenting Course”