My Child’s Absent Father
My child’s absent father: There are a number of single mothers whose children have different fathers.
As a matter of fact a University of Michigan Institute for Social Research study shows that One in five U.S. mothers have children with multiple dads. In addition studies from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth shows that this kind of family structure is found at all levels of income and education.
Comparatively this type of family structure can lead to a lot more stress for everyone involved. For the most part because the single mom need to juggle the demands and needs of more than one dad.
Then again some of those fathers are very much involved with their child’s life while some are not. This also lends to more stress because it leaves the Single Mother in a very precarious position having to deal with these two dynamics going on in her life and her children’s lives.
Children aren’t naturally “bad” something causes this behavior
So lets look at how this plays out in your child’s life. And how this may show up disguised as many things other than what it is.
Now in this situation your son is lashing out at school, being uncooperative at home, disrespectful, and mistreats his sister. Moreover your son’s or daughter’s father does not come to see them, doesn’t call nor even send money for him/her. While his/her siblings’ father comes and pick them up and then buys them things, and even calls them on a weekly basis.
Therefor he/she is dealing with jealousy, abandonment and rejection. Your child’s feelings of not being loved nor wanted by his/her father is not being noticed.
With this in mind…
Furthermore if this isn’t checked while they’re young their behavior will escalate as he/she gets older. At length it needs to be explained to him/her with honesty, compassion and without blame on themselves nor their father. Because deep down you’re the only one he/she can see that can control this situation and make it better. Equally important is to remember you are Mother, you are God to your children.
The questions going on in his/her head has to be addressed. Not only are questions like what did you do to my Dad and now he’s mad at me? What happened to my Dad? Why my Dad won’t come see me or call me? but other questions as well.
Its your responsibility as a Mother to help him in this situation that you caused!
Instead most single mothers are turning a blind eye to this very fact, and is re-acting with vengeance against your own child.
By the same token they are putting him/her on medication, sending them to juvey, and just checking out of the whole situation. Some mothers are attempting to compensate by buying him/her everything they ask for. Not to mention letting him/her do whatever they want.
That being said.
Could it be that you’re having these same issues with the man who fathered your child? And you have not faced this about herself yet?
Maybe you’re not with the first child’s father, maybe not the second one either, and then a third one. As a matter of fact you may be dealing with your own rejection and abandonment issues.
Also feeling unloved, fear and dependency. Most likely you’re dealing with at least one of these. And whether it be mental, emotional, or spiritual when you are dealing with this scenario its difficult to heal or nurture or even express love for anyone. Especially the child who is a reminder of the result of your decision.
How to start healing your heart
You must first heal yourself. And in order to do that, you must first come clean with yourself. For instance face the fact that you made a bad judgment for yourself.
I know this part can feel unpleasant, yet it will empower you.
And then own the experience and tap into what you learned about yourself, with no judgment and forgive your self. Do your best to be aware if you still have feelings for his/her father so you can let go of that.
Confess to yourself the fact that it was a one night stand and you were acting irresponsibly, immature or if you were drunk. Even if you felt that you really didn’t want the child in the first place. Now ask yourself if you really do love your son/daughter?
Once we can uncover what’s happening inside you we can then begin your healing process. By the same token you will be able to begin to help your son/daughter through their abandonment, jealousy and feelings of neglect issues. Of course this will start to mend your relationship with your son/daughter.
Here are some ways to help yourself heal and in turn help your son/daughter:
- Do your best to be aware if you still have feelings for their father and need to let go of that.
- Allow your son/daughter to ask as many questions as would come to their mind, this starts to release those negative feelings mentioned above.
- Answer all of the questions as best you can, this will bring you closer and start to amend your relationship.
- Explain to him/her that their father not coming around has nothing to do with them nor is it anything that he/she did or didn’t do. Continue explaining that it’s their father’s decision and no one can control that, (if this is true).
Not to mention that some mothers are not allowing their children’s father to be apart of his/her life. Because he doesn’t have the financial means to help support the child.
And this is sad.
Because this is buying into the capitalist idea of being a father. In some cases we have Fathers who don’t come around, nor call, but send money and we are cool with that. So let’s not define fatherhood with these shallow ideas.
And not let those feelings control him/her to where they may want to hurt someone or feel angry all the time. Ask him how he feels about that, and listen. Do this periodically, until he has purged himself of all his jealousy, neglect and abandonment issues.
Now, there will still be some of these feelings there. Because he/she will still see their siblings’ father come over for them. However you are teaching him/her to control his emotions, and allow themselves to feel what they are feeling.
By the same token don’t over compensate for the lack of his/her father not coming to see them. Instead hone in on his/her leadership skills. Together with telling him/her that maybe the Universe knows that he/she didn’t need their father around.
The ask him/her if they’ve ever thought about that? Because he/she will be a stronger person and this is to see their strength.
Also make sure the other siblings are not being vicious towards the fatherless child. In addition look to see who’s available for him/her as a father figure.
As well as get him/her involved in sports or after school activities. At length if you are in a good relationship with him/her siblings’ father that comes around, have a conversation with him. To see if its appropriate to include the fatherless son/daughter in on the activities at times. I’ve known fathers that have done this.
If this blog was helpful and you want help with your children, schedule your 45 minute session today. You’ll be glad you did.